• Sacraments. I have undergone the sacraments of baptism, confirmation, eucharist and reconciliation.
• Church. I went to a catholic church every sunday.
• Hell. I feared hell. I was taught to stay away from sin because it would lead me to the fiery pits of Hell.
• Ten Commandments. I obeyed the 10 commandments: there is only one God, do not make for yourself an idol, do not use the Lord's name in vain, keep the Sabbath holy, honor your parents, do not kill, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not lie, do not covet your neighbor's wife, do not covet your neighbor's goods.

• Hypocrisy. I was noticing hypocrisy within the way my own family practiced Catholicism.
  • I believed in being completely honest. I was discouraged when I was told to lie about my age so that we could get a discounted ticket. I noted that my grandparents would tell their granddaughter that her parents were at work when in truth they were out on vacation and they told me that white lies are okay. These examples stood out to me because it was directly against the commandment of "Thou shall not lie" and although their intentions weren't completely harmful, it went against the rules that God set forth for us so I felt like we should be following it regardless.
  • Flaunting Faith. The bible teaches us not to be boastful about our good works but time and again I saw this happening within Catholics. They show off by telling people how much money they donate and how much time they put into prayer. I wanted to keep the faith to myself, knowing that God knows my heart is with him. I wanted to hide my acts of kindness instead of acting only when people tell me to.
  • Judging others. Matthew 7:1-5 "1Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Even within family, people do not see others as equals. There are racial and religious stereotypes that become so prevalent that I could not see these people as loving their brothers and sisters as they love themselves.
• The church practices left me feeling empty in faith. I did not feel like my heart was into it. As much as I tried, I couldn't feel God in the Catholic church. He was always so apart. I felt like light was shining down on everyone but me because of this.
  • I did not like how I would go to church services and spew out memorized prayers. There was no heart in my prayers. I said things because I remembered what to say. I couldn't see our prayers as very meaningful and found it hard to believe that people in the Catholic church always remembered to put their hearts in their prayers.
  • I couldn't really relate to the homily all the time. The message was mostly overarching and vague. There was little application to my life and the focus was geared towards the older crowd.
  • There is an emphasis on the fear of God rather than the loving personal God. Fear of God's wrath is emphasized to prevent people from committing sin.
  • Priests in are placed pedestals. They are in positions that make people think they are better than common people. In listening to priests talk, I will sometimes find flaws in their reasoning and explanations which draws them closer to humanity to me. Since to err is human, I started to question and think about the words of the priests before accepting or believing what they say as opposed to before when I just blindly followed.
  • We seemed to pray for the purpose of getting what we wanted and if we didn't get what we wanted, it was because we didn't pray enough.
  • Saints. I am a lot more comfortable praying directly to God rather than praying to saints. I do not see why doing so would be any less effective than doing otherwise.
  • Women in the church are looked down upon. They are taught to obey their husbands no matter what.
  • Confession consisted of me coming up with random sins, usually the same sins as before such as fighting with siblings. In a way it seemed it was okay to sin because you could just go to confession to rid yourself of sin.

Notes on Religion, Cultural Anthropology, Summer 1999, CSM:

Religion's Universality is surprising because (1) it can never be proved that supernatural powers exist and myths about them are true. (2) religious behavior may not be effective at achieving the goals the performers have in mind.

Theories of Religion:

Intellectual/Cognitive - Religious beliefs help satisfy the human desire to understand and explain things and events.

Psychological - Religion helps people psychologically cope with times of trouble, stress and anxiety.
-theory: religion serves the function of giving people confidence when sucess is unlikely; self-conscious awareness of mortality, denying finality of death.

Social - Religion instills and maintains common values, conformity to cultural norms, promotes cohesion and cooperation, promises reward for good deeds and punishment for bad deed.

Do I really need a religion when I can form my own beliefs? if I find it so hard to believe in human attempts to explain the Bible when to err is human and to be human is to err? when there are so many religions out there and not all of them could be wrong? when I don't need to be afraid of hell to do what is right according to my own conscience? when I believe in my own self worth enough to not have to keep thinking that there's always God there to love me and make me worthy of living? Do I need a purpose in life when "humans come and go but earth abides"? when I am happy with my past, my present situation, and my future expectations?

Perhaps that is why present philosophers tend to concur with the principle of social hedonism wherein the aim is the greatest happiness for the greatest amount of people. Maybe happiness is what drives my life. So I wander the earth aimlessly, often ignorant of life outside my own, sometimes wondering about the purpose of life. What if there is none? What if our existence is just as significant as the existence of each ant and dinosaur that had walked the earth? Does it really matter? Homo mensura. To each his own.

"Question is: Why was the desire to understand and explain things there in the first place? Isn?t it sufficient, according to naturalism, that man understands only how things work (so they can manipulate their environment to better their survival), but not "why" things must be (useless questions like "Why are we here? What is the meaning of life?")?"

~>Question is, why not? Obviously, it isn't sufficient that we understand why things work (except for maybe some techies out there), thats why we have humanities, we are naturally curious. Being able to think about both the what and why helps us make sense of things. Anyways, religion does help satisfy this curiosity, but other things do as well. Religion isn't necessary to ask and answer the why questions.

"However, let's suppose there really was a God. IF it is true that God created man for a purpose, then He must have also created the human mind for a reason. Psychology is the merely study of the human mind. If God made the human mind with all its functions, he must have made it for a purpose, so that perhaps the psychological aspects of the mind are just ways in which God can help a person to find Him."

~>Suppose there was a God who made the mind somehow "remain restless until it rests in God" (St. Agustine). Then the sole purpose of people would be to "find God". What then is the point to the rest of their lives? God isn't everything. Maybe for some people God is. And once they found God? (please refrain from calling God "Him"). Then they are eternally happy? And then what? What is the purpose of finding God? Are we led to the same conclusion that humans merely search for eternal happiness? You seem to say that God has our minds preprogrammed. What of our free will?

~>We're only searching for a purpose because it is inconceivable to us to think that there would be no purpose. We want people to tell us that there is a reason that we live in this world. What if there isn't? Well, we don't even think about that possibility because we need to have a reason for living.

~>You ask why people feel. Well that just makes the world a lot more interesting doesn't it? You seem too focused on feelings of sadness and depression. Note that people have a tendency to feel happiness and enlightenment about as much. It all depends on your own perspective. Don't be a pessimist =P. Is it sad to think too much? Philosophers did not fall into despair because they couldn't find finality in their answers. It was their hobby. Why did they think so much? Well because of curiosity. This has nothing to do with religion. Purpose does not imply religion even if religion implies purpose. Why must we keep thinking there is something wrong with the world?

"But I do not feel that it is up to another human being to determine whether one gets punished or rewarded in the afterlife. " ~>I agree. But really what is religion? What determines whether or not one has religion? If it is only agreeing with the set beliefs of a group of people as opposed to believing another set of beliefs you came up with then everyone might as well have their own religion. Basically anyone can start their own religion with enough followers. What's the difference between religion and cult?

~>Conclusion, as for me, I will forever search for my own set of beliefs, perhaps learn from each religion. I know for a fact that I can't help but be affected by my Catholic/Christian upbringing. That is the basis from which my beliefs came from. Perhaps its good to have one religion guide you. But every religion has its flaws so I prefer not to stick with one. [uh oh my family's gonna kill me for saying this *im sorry*! This isn't the fault of my atheist friends! Its a result of open mindedness...]. As uncomfortable I am with strictness of Christian belief, I support any decisions people make about religion since, as I said before, to each his own, each person's belief systems are different, everything is relative. At the same time I'm hoping other people will be supportive of my not sticking so ardently to Christian belief. I still go to church! [Can you sense my fear of rejection from my family? If I weren't Catholic would they hate me?]

~>Anyways, if Christianity fills up the emptiness within you Brian, then more power to you. Just like Saint Agustin of Assisi. His heart was restless until he found God. But don't give up on the world and on love. It's not as bad as you may think =P (unless you make it that way).

Okay, maybe im taking it too harshly on the Catholic church. After all, as a religion, it produces the "good people" of this earth. By good people, I mean people who are less likely to commit crimes or injustices against other people. Catholic christianity has presented itself to me poorly in the past so I have had contempt for it, or perhaps certain aspects of it such as its "mechanicality" (for lack of a better word), its seemingly brainwashing effect, and the sometimes opposing views I hold compared to theirs.

First of all, I hate going to church. I'm sorry, but I find it dull, unenlightening and a waste of time. I probably also dislike it because I am "forced" into it. I don't go out of my own free will. It's like a requirement because my grandparents "make me" go. (The reason for the quotation marks being that I never really told them that I hated going to church -- as a result of my fear for them, so I just go out of respect for their wishes). It is also a sin not to go to church because the third commandment says to "Remember to keep the Sabbath Day holy," which in itself technically doesn't say "you must go to church" nor do we even go to church on the "Sabbath Day" since somewhere along the line, someone decided that Saturday afternoon counts as Sunday too.

I think most people who went to the churches I go to would agree with me when I say church is boring. It doesn't help that most of the time I go to foggie churches full of old people, not that theres anything wrong with the elderly but the homily ends up more anti people my age. The first part(first half hour) of church is not as bad since it's basically story telling from the bible. Whether or not one agrees with the bible, one can always be open minded and listen to what it has to say. This tends to get repetitive however since the stories seem pretty much the same to me. I don't always agree with the priest's interpretation of the story either. Many times the story isn't even interesting anymore since this was geared towards the people of the biblical times. It's not like the US constitution where it can easily adapt even in the present times (although it tries to be). The second part(second half hour) of church is just useless. People recite memorized lines. It seems cultish to me how we end up sounding like we're casting spells with a huge group of people spitting out lines of jibberish which has been programmed into their brains ever since they were young, not even knowing the meaning behind what they're saying or not even putting it to heart (for most people anyways).

Secondly, it seems to me like (uh oh, sc analogy) people are the units in Catholicism's game of Starcraft. The priests tell people what to do and people do it. The priests in the Philippines tell people to dress formally to church and wives to be submissive to their husbands so people can't even wear shorts at church and wives no longer have a say when their husbands talk. In the same way, priests everywhere pretty much tell people how to think and people pretty much accept this without much forethought. Or well, that's how it seems to me at least. I'm hoping people actually take things into consideration before taking it to heart. Because of this, Catholics end up preaching because they're told to. This is okay to an extent since there's nothing wrong with letting your opinion be heard, but if one just does not want to convert, the preacher should let things be. Catholics have got to learn that there is nothing wrong with people believing in other things, having other religions. They're not going to go to hell just because they don't believe in God. If there was a God, I don't think she- I mean, I dont think God would be that mean.

In the same way, I think people should look into other systems of belief before settling into one just so it is out of their own free will instead of just because they're parents told them this is the way things have to be. If they think Christianity or Catholicism is right for them then at least it wasn't forced. I think one would be happier in her religion if she had chosen it herself. For many people, they were brainwashed into thinking Catholicism is undoubtedly the right religion just as children usually think whatever their teachers say is the absolute truth. I guess this is good for everyone else in a way since many of them end up doing "good deeds" but I'm hoping they do it consciously. (Maybe it's just me but I have a tendency to question people's motives when they're being too nice.)

Finally, I just flat out don't believe in everything they say. Priest implies human. To err is human so human implies error. Therefore, priest implies error. I don't think that whatever priests say is the absolute truth. As stated previously, I don't think they interpret the bible right all the time. I don't think people, upon reading the bible, necessarily interpret it right either. Its up to each person to figure out whether or not they believe in anything the priests or the bible says, but I think each person should listen to others' opinions as well. Don't let priests run your world, listen to the rabbi, the atheist, the agnostic, the Buddha, the homeless bum... [I won't go into the intricacies of my conflicting views right now. I'm just generalizing my overall viewpoint on the matter.]

I question myself. Do I consider myself Catholic if I don't believe in everything they preach? I suppose this depends on my definition of Catholicism. Religion is a different type of categorizing technique for it's not like race where it is already predefined and one usually has no choice of which race to be. Religion is a choice. Although people can still stereotype this, it is up to the Catholic to choose whether or not she can deal with it whether she fits this stereotype or not. I think whenever people think "Catholic" they think "preacher" or "brainwashed" or something like that. Catholics always seem to be the type who think the will go to hell if they sin too much, who think they deserve everything bad that happens to them, and who always thinks that they are the unfortunate ones. Okay, one might ask, do stereotypes really matter? Heck, I don't know. My mind just wandered into this tangent.

Sometimes I consider myself pseudo-Catholic, one who is supposedly Catholic by category but does not practice this religion. Other times I think of myself as just a semi-Catholic, one who believes in certain aspects of the religion but not others. Since I did not choose my own religion, I feel cheated out of a right to choose. I don't know if this is really what I am or if it is just what people made me out to be. [To be continued... by this part of the essay, my mind gets confused, my thoughts jumbled, not thought out clearly, haven't eaten yet...]

Ack.. you know what, I digressed. I was supposed to be thinking about the good aspect of Catholicism but I ended up busting out with reasons why I didn't think it was good before. Eh, maybe next time.

I had dinner with Carol Ho and Mike Sim at South Beach Cafe. It was pretty cool seeing Mike Sim again. He used to work with me at cafe so we got to catch up a bit. He has apparantly changed a lot since them. After talking about the good old cafe days, we started talking about how our lives were like nowadays. I told them about my experiences in church hopping and about learning more about christian viewpoints through that and through talking to christians about living life following the christian faith. That sort of transitioned to the message they wanted to get through to me.. which actually turned out to be the same message that brian tried to tell me.. and which has also been brought up in discussion in regards to figuring out what makes a christian a christian when i was talking to henry and also a subsequent discussion with jchi regarding that..

In a nutshell, this is the good news: God sent his son Jesus Christ, the embodiment of God in man.. the most holy sinless person who is most deserving of the gift of heaven, to earth to save us by taking on the punishment for all our sins.. in the past, present and future. Our sins on earth are so great that all we do in repentance is not enough. All the good works done dont equate to a passage into heaven. We are in essence so sinful that we don't even deserve it. However, instead of God punishing us with his wrath because we totally screwed up, he sorta sent a part of himself - his son Jesus Christ, to take the blow for us. Because of this we owe him our lives. It is for this reason that Christians do good. We do what we can to purify our hearts and minds to thank God and honor him.

The image in my head was of the kid in The Scorpion King who stole something. He stole something and was caught doing so and the punishment at that time for such a "sin" was getting his hand cut off. In my mind, what God did was similar to if the scorpion king took the punishment for him out of love and pity and offered his hand to get cut off instead. Then it made sense. The speaker that spoke about there only being one way to god and comparing it to being only one way to get on the bus by standing at the bus stop was starting to make more sense too. You can't get on the bus if you aren't at the bus stop similarly to how you don't have the option to go to heaven if you aren't a believer.

At the end of the spiel, I was asked once again. Do I believe? I refused to answer that question amidst the "christian influence". If I were to make that decision I didn't want it to be out of influence of others. I didn't want to believe because I was told to believe by my parents. I don't want to believe because my boyfriend is Christian. I don't want to believe because I'm being brainwashed by the songs I listen to. I don't want to be Christian only because a lot of my friends are Christian. In fact, many of my closest friends are not Christian... I want to believe because it makes sense in my heart and mind. I felt like I wasn't really at the point to decide whether or not to believe but I was merely struggling to figure out whether or not I did believe. It would be easy to just say, "yes I do believe". But I'm not really sure if I'd say that and know in my heart that it is true.

• 01/29/06 Fellowship. I started going to fellowship right after church. With Henry there, he encouraged me to talk to people instead of ditching right after church.
• 1/29/06 - Web Ministry. I started investing interest in working on the church website.
• 02/04/06 - Dance Ministry. I started going to Dance Ministry February 2006. Easter, April 2006 was my first performance.
• 04/09/06 Thoughts

  So today grandma got mad at me for not going to catholic church. Apparantly, Christian church isn't good enough for her. What the fuck is the difference?!? In both cases, I'm praising/worshiping God, we are taught about loving others, the message is that Jesus died for our sins and we should be mighty appreciative of that. Now to top it off, Christianity doesn't encourage us to do good only because of our fear of Hell like Catholicism does. It doesn't teach us to pray by repeating the words of other people or chant out memorized prayers. In fact, Christianity teaches us to communicate with God and to love God through the heart! I definitely feel more of an open communication to my spiritual side this way. Added on to that, the church I go to caters the message to the young audience (20-30 yr olds in my church)! I can understand the message more fully when the real world examples used are ones that I can identify with more!
  
  Mommy, I'm a good girl! I've been the perfect catholic girl. I memorized all the prayers, I prayed the rosaries, I was extremely nice to others and helped people whenever I could, I gave generously in church, I went every frickin Sunday, I wanted to become a frickin nun! I've fallen into atheism and agnosticism so I know what it's like to not believe. I know what it's like to live without God. I admit I wasn't true to God my entire life but I also admit it was catholicism that made me want to turn away from him because I did not believe in their practice. I felt like my heart was not in my prayers. I did not believe in what the priest was teaching. The message would feel very wrong sometimes (but this is probably because they didn't think about the applications of God's word in today's time and they still strongly believed in women being completely submissive to men and other stupid shit like that). I was pulled back into christianity because that's where my heart led me. I went through several different churches until I found one that fit me just right. In fact, the church I ended up in is the church that NONE of my friends go to so it was harder for me to want to go but I did and I stayed. I liked the message I was hearing. I must admit I do not believe in everything I say. I only believe in what I believe in regardless of whether the words were coming from a pastor or not. I was interested in learning about their way of living life and I felt like it was a good way to live and to think.
  
  I'm not a perfect christian. I love to cuss and I don't think I'm giving that up. I actually accidentally said shit in dance ministry. That was totally my bad though I try to cater my cussing to the type of audience I have. I don't agree with everything in christianity. For example, that dance ministry thing I'm in is supposed to be more of an outward serving god and others thing but I do tend to think of it as just a dancing thing I enjoy and I do think inwardly in terms of that but whatever to each his own you know. I won't believe in something just because another person, another christian, thinks its the "good christian way". I will if I really feel like its the right thing to do.
  
  But mom, I go to church because I WANT TO, not because I HAVE TO. I dont pray before every meal or before i sleep all the time, i do pray when i feel like praying), but when I do pray, my heart is in it. My words are my own. I am fully aware of what I am saying and I'm not just trying to say hail marys and our fathers as fast as I can because I feel like the more times I say that the more likely, I'll get what I ask for. I plead to God in times of need but when I don't get what I pray for I don't feel like its because I didn't pray enough its because I feel like it just wasn't meant to be or something. I don't trip over something when I don't get a sign for it. I don't ask for signs like ate does. I'm a good girl damnit! Mom, I'm addressing you because you're the one I worry about the most because you are the one I care about the most. I don't know if you would ever read this as I type it into my journal but I am pouring out my thoughts. I don't understand why there has to be this whole catholics vs christianity thing. I don't get it YOU'RE BOTH CHRISTIAN what on earth is so wrong with Christianity? (to the atheists, just shut up on that one). Don't all Christians believe in essentially the same thing? There are just slightly different ways of practicing it. *sigh* what the fuck, why can't we all just get along. I've struggled with christianity vs atheism/agosticism and I still have to struggle with christianity vs catholicism. In the Philippine culture, its so hard to be different.
  
  I don't know if I would really be able to confront my family about my religion. Its very difficult for me to persuade them to accept something like this. Its very difficult for me to talk to them period. I feel like I keep throwing situations at them that they are completely unused to and completely would feel opposed to at first. My grandma I think would be the most difficult to persuade and she is the one currently most aware and most worried about this decision of mine. I'm scared. I'm sure right now she is praying for me to become catholic again and to go back to catholic church. (either that or she is sleeping)

• 08/10/06 - Small Group. 318.

• 01/25/08 - Small Group. GChat
• 07/28/08 - Dance Ministry.
• 09/12/08 - Small Group. Kneeling Ninjas

I'm afraid I haven't updated this in a while. I've been meaning to. I am no longer following blindly nor am I rebelling against anything anymore. I have no strong need to conform to please others (that was when my family was peer pressuring me). If I were to conform, I would still be catholic.

I do believe in Christianity. After all my research, exposure to both beliefs, and a lot of thinking about it, I've settled on the belief in God and the teachings of Christianity. I am well aware that not all Christians are the same and the beliefs have a wide range among them. Frankly, I think a lot of the Christians out there make the whole group look bad. I have a tendency to question everything that is taught and I would say I would only really follow the core values.

I do not claim to be a devout Christian. Comparatively, I'm a newbie. But I am open to learning and that is what led me down this path of going from Catholic to Atheist to Agnostic to Christian. I do believe that when a Christian overdoes evangelism, it pushes people away as it does with me. I was only really open to the faith once people stopped bugging me about it completely.

At this point, I believe people are free to believe in what they believe in. I'm not going to try and persuade them one way or another. I do know that within Christianity, it would be preferred if other people would agree with our beliefs but if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I'm a strong believer in "to each his own".

Thus, whatever path led you to where you are, if you've been open minded and you landed in a certain set of beliefs, I cannot fault you for that.

Good luck in your search for truth.